Lemony Fresh!

Sometimes I like to help people feel good about themselves..Today, I am going to make you feel GREAT! If nothing else goes right in your day today, you will have this..."At least I'm not THAT stupid".  This is my gift to you today.

Joel and I like to go to breakfast.  For me, it's one of my most favorite things we do together.  It's a chance to spend some quality time together before our day gets hectic and besides that, I freakin' LOVE breakfast food.  Start my day off with some artery clogging eggs benedict or some syrupy sweet pancakes and I am one happy camper.

So, one Saturday morning we end up in a local diner. It's nothing fancy..your typical diner atmosphere but BOY, did it smell CLEAN.  We are sitting waiting for our food to come and every once I awhile I am getting this REALLY strong whiff of "cleaner".

Me: Wow, this place smells so clean.
Joel: "Huh?"
Me: Clean..it smells really fresh and clean in here. (Joel just looks at me like I'm stupid)

We continue our conversation and then BAM...there it is again.

Me: Don't you SMELL that?
Joel: Smell what?  I don't smell anything except greasy eggs and the guy behind me who smells like cigarettes and stale beer.
Me: You are CRAZY..it smells Lemony Fresh in here! Like the waitress just wiped down all the tables with lemon fresh pledge or something.


I look around but there isn't any waitress polishing the tables or mopping the floor so I am baffled. Our food comes..I start to eat..take a drink of my water and...THERE IT IS AGAIN!!

Me: Come on Joel..you have GOT to smell that..it's such a strong lemony fresh odor.
Joel: Honey I think you are losing your mind.
Me: Look..I've got one honker on this face, thanks to genetics, and I KNOW what I smell and it smells like CLEANER!!

Once again, I look around and THEN I start to giggle...I start to laugh hysterically...and I say to my husband...

Me: Know what ELSE smells like lemony fresh cleaner?
Joel: I have NO IDEA..what?
Me: LEMONS!

Every time I took a drink of my water I would smell that damn cleaner...Guess what was in my water?  Yep...slices of LEMON!

So Joel thinks I'm an idiot and now YOU can feel better about yourself...You're Welcome.

A HARD Lesson to Learn...

Sometimes during the day I have these random thoughts that pop into my head. Well O.K....MOST days I have random thoughts, but on this particular day I was remembering a day from my college Water Safety course. It wasn't that bad of a class really, I learned a lot about what to do in water emergencies which was pretty cool. However, one day definitely stood out more than any other.

We were talking about how to stabilize someone on a back board. Our professor had us all in the shallow end and was demonstrating the procedure to us. He called for a volunteer, and this one guy that we called Kramer (man did he have some crazy ass hair) jumped at the chance.  So Kramer became our "victim" and it was our job to get him on the board safely and stabilize his head. Exactly like that picture up there. Simple...right?

Well...things don't always go exactly as planned.  We were able to position Kramer on the board and turned him over so as not to drown the poor bastard...Yay, bonus points for us!! We got his head stabilized...and the straps tightened so he couldn't move....COULD NOT MOVE...this will be very important later in the story!

Once we had him safely secured, the instructor had us all surround Kramer as he discussed our efforts. I happened to be standing directly at his waist. Things seemed to be going well and then IT happened (do you  know what I'm about to say). As poor Kramer is strapped down to this board and CANNOT MOVE he gets an ERECTION!  His suit is sucking to him like it was vacuum sealed and there he is in all his glory with a big ole' boner! It was like a bad accident...you want to look away, but you just can't.  What is our professor doing this whole time you ask? Yep...he is just going on and on about the exercise and has NO CLUE what is going on.

Now I don't know about you, but I have NO IDEA what the proper protocol is for a situation like this. Since I'm standing right at his waist should I reach over and try to release his suit so it's not quite so obvious? Should I fake a heart attack so I can distract everyone from the elephant in the room (no pun intended)? Well, whatever the PROPER thing to do is, I am POSITIVE what I DID do was NOT it! Instead, I stood there and giggled like I was 12.  It was one of those situations where laughing was so inappropriate and the more I tried NOT to laugh the harder it was to control.

THANKFULLY....Kramer must have started to think about his grandmother or something because after what seemed like an eternity (and I'm sure it seemed longer for Kramer than any of us) his "predicament" subsided.

The lesson I walked away with that day was significant.....NEVER volunteer to be the victim.  I know Kramer learned that lesson the HARD way!

Is This REALLY a Problem?

Sometimes I have to wonder, exactly what are these advertising executives smoking? I am picturing the ad meeting now...5-6 top ad designers sitting around a table throwing out ideas for the next big Charmin campaign. As the brainstorming meeting drags on someone suddenly has an epiphany! "I've got it! Cartoon Bears that are having trouble with pieces of TP sticking to their hairy butts!" The conference room erupts in applause and the group hoists the idea guy on their shoulders and breaks out in a lousy rendition of 'For He's a Jolly Good Fellow'! I mean REALLY? It seems unlikely that an idea like that could be born without the aid of an illegal substance of some kind...just sayin'.

Then as I think about the message the ad sends I have to wonder...Is this REALLY a problem we suffer from in America? Are there a lot of people running around with toilet paper stuck to their butts? It seems to me that people do not understand how toilet paper works if it is ending up on their butt cheeks!

And why cartoon bears? Although I'm guessing using real bears would be a little tricky, I still don't get the bear comparison. I suppose there are some people that have unusually hairy rearends but is that really the demographic they need to focus on? Perhaps it's an untapped market but I have to believe that the majority of Americans out there have a minimal amount of butt hair and are quite capable of using toilet paper with little difficulty. Personally, I think they should just go back to sweet ole' Mr. Whipple telling us "Don't squeeze the Charmin!"