Oprah can SUCK IT!

Oprah can SUCK IT!

OMG...What am I saying?  Oprah I LOVE you...please forgive me...I just lost my mind for a moment.  This is all very traumatic for me.

Generally, I am not a materialistic person. I would rather give than receive and I'm rarely envious of the "things" that other people have. I lead a very blessed life and try to always remember that.

However,  today...TODAY, I am feeling like a whiny brat!  Why you ask?  Well, because I am sitting here watching Oprah's Favorite Things, Part One (yes, part ONE, Monday is the Final Final).  And all I can think about as I watch these crazy ass bitches, jumping around, crying and making complete asses of themselves is...WHY CAN'T THAT BE ME DAMMIT?

 I  know how to act like an ass.  I  can be a greedy bastard too you know!  


The thing that really pisses me off is that this year, I KNOW that I will never be in that audience.  This year, I have to come to the realization that my dream is DEAD.  How could Oprah do this to ME?


Damn, I hate when a dream doesn't come true.  Well, at least I still have the lottery.  I'm gonna win that bitch!  


Shut Up...I AM!

THIS will probably piss some people off...TOO BAD!

Disclaimer: If you are a parent of a child(ren) who acts out in public and you think that it's perfectly acceptable and the rest of the world should just put up with it because "they are just kids"..you will NOT like this post.  Oh and just to be clear...I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!


In a restaurant, on a plane, while I'm shopping...it doesn't matter where I am it seems that I am always in close proximity to a crying, screaming, acting out child. And before all you parents out there get your panties in a bunch I GET that they are kids...I ALSO GET that you as parents should attempt to DO something about your child when he/she is acting like an obnoxious lunatic in public!

It NEVER fails...whenever my husband and I go out to dinner, a family with one of these children are sat right next to or behind us.  It doesn't matter if we are the only people in the restaurant...inevitably they will be sat next to us.

Take last night for example. Joel and I had some shopping to do and afterwards we decided to stop for a quick bite to eat.  The restaurant was pretty empty and we were sat down at a nice booth.  We placed our order and then IT happens...two families with 5 kids were sat down directly behind us.

Look, I understand that children will occasionally yell or cry and that doesn't bother me in the least. Especially, when I can see that the parents are attending to whatever it is that the child needs.  What irritates the HELL out of me is when a child continues to do this and the parents IGNORE it!! Look you MOFOs... parent your children!

And don't give me that crap about you have as much right as everyone else to go out with your children...I AGREE with you.  It's when you disrespect MY rights, that I have a problem. You may be able to overlook your child crying and screaming and kicking the back of my seat, but I assure you... I CANNOT!

Soooo, to the man that continued with his adult conversation last night and ignored his little girl as she was SCREAMING at the top of her lungs, "DADDY...DADDY...DADDYYYYYYYY".  You should know that I wanted to turn around and punch you in the junk!  The only thing that saved you was that my husband talked me down off the ledge by offering me chocolate if I restrained myself...you should Thank Him!

I think the next time I am in this situation I will mimic the child's behavior and see how tolerant others will be of me. (and yes you don't have to point out that I am an adult and should know better)  I'm guessing it won't take long before I am asked to change my behavior or leave the restaurant...Hmmmm...what a concept!!

More Ricky to make you smile....

So last week I wrote about 'Ricky'...one of my favorite students.  If you don't know about Ricky you need to click HERE.


No, SERIOUSLY, click HERE NOW....I'll wait!


*do do do do do do do..do do do do..do, do do do do do..do do do do do do do..do..do do...do..do..do* (that's the jeopardy theme song playing while I wait)


Oh Hi...you're back.  Okay, so now you understand what a cool kid Ricky is and how much I adore this boy.


It's important for you to understand that, because when I tell you this story you need to know that I'm NOT 'making fun' of Ricky...not even close.


So...it's the end of phys. ed class and I send the kids in the locker room to get cleaned up and changed.


Some of the kids are done and are now hanging out with me waiting for the bell.  Ricky joins us shortly and approaches me...visibly upset.


Mrs. Fig...I don't know where my cards are.  I had them in my jeans back pocket, but now they're gone.


What cards hon?  Are you sure you had them with you?


It's a deck of cards and I'm sure I had them.


I ask Ricky if he locks his locker and he tells me he does.  He says he shares a locker with another student, Calvin.


Right away a couple kids speak up and say that maybe Calvin took the cards.


No way, Calvin wouldn't take my cards, Ricky says, Calvin's my friend.


Some of the kids roll their eyes, saying that if the locker was locked who else could have taken them.


Well, maybe I left them in my hall locker and just forgot.  I know that Calvin would never take them.


I am about to ask Ricky if he would like to go check his hall locker, when Calvin emerges from the locker room.


Calvin says,  Ricky...hey Ricky come here.


Yeah Calvin?  What is it?


Ummm...well, you have MY pants on...yours are still in the locker.


Well...CRAP!


**Okay, now go ahead...because we all did...we laughed so hard we cried. As the Cable Guy would say, I don't care who you are...that there's funny! **


So when Ricky returns from changing pants I ask him if he has his cards now.


He smiles and says... Sure do!


Then he looks at the kids that were so sure Calvin had to have taken the cards and says...


See guys...I told you Calvin would never take my cards.  He's my friend.


God, I LOVE that kid!

Ricky...

During the course of a school day many things can frustrate a teacher.  Homework not being completed, unruly students, lack of needed materials and on and on, but then something will come along and put it all back in perspective for you.

On one particular day, it wasn't a 'something', but rather, a 'someone'.

Ricky.

I loved Ricky.  I know teachers aren't suppose to have favorites, but I'll let you in on a little secret...WE DO! (you're shocked I know)  Ricky was one of my favorites....No doubt about it.

Ricky was a student in one of my physical education classes.  He showed up every day, on time.  He dressed properly, always participated, and did his very best at whatever the activity was for the day. He never complained and he was the sweetest kid EVAH!

Oh, and he was legally blind.

As a teacher, I made as many modifications as I could to make Ricky's experience as positive and safe as possible.  However, it IS gym class.  There would be flying projectiles and uncoordinated, over-caffeinated kids running around and inevitably INTO one another.  Ricky and his parents were aware of the risks, but were adamant about allowing Ricky to participate in all class activities.

Well...okey dokey then.

During the indoor soccer unit I used a modified soccer ball that was neon green in color and had a beeping mechanism inside of it to help Ricky identify where the ball was.  This was a good idea in theory, but the reality was that after about 3 good kicks the beeping thingamajig no longer worked.  For the most part, it wasn't that big of a deal and Ricky did just fine.

Then one day, Ricky had a request....

Ricky: Mrs. Fig, can I change positions?


Me: Sure Ricky, where would you like to play?

Come on...guess... what position he wanted to play?

Yep...

Ricky: Cool...I want to be GOALIE!


Me: (Gulp) Oh...umm..are you SURE Ricky?  Don't you think that might be a little dangerous?

Ricky: Oh come on Mrs. Fig...what's the WORSE thing that can happen?


Of course I'm thinking...umm....well the worse thing is, you are going to get a ball kicked in your face and break your nose.  Then, my boss is going to say, 'What in the HELL were you thinking putting a blind kid in as GOALIE...are you INSANE?!

But...Ricky's parents made it VERY clear they wanted him to have no restrictions. I looked at his personal aide and she said, "Let's go for it.  I'll stand back there and help him by giving him play by play of where the ball is."

Well, okey dokey then.

Me: Okay Ricky, get in there.  Let's see what ya got kid.

The rest of my students looked at me like I'd lost my marbles (can you blame them?).   I just smiled and said, 'Okay, come on now, let's play."

Now the thing is, I had GREAT students.  They never complained when games needed to be modified and they were very good about looking out for Ricky.  So I knew that although they would play hard, they would also take a little off their shots on goal.

Well....MOST of my students would.

Everything was going fine and then one kid becomes a bone head.  He steals the ball and is headed towards Ricky.  He gets right in front of the goal and then unloads a super hard kick right at Ricky.

Ricky puts his hands up to try to deflect the ball, but he's a little late.  The ball hits Ricky in the face and ricochets through the goal.

I gasp...the rest of the students gasp..and Ricky shakes his head and says, "Did I stop it?"

Everyone smiles and starts to laugh...not in a mean, teasing way, but more in a 'you're something else kid' kind of way.  I say, "Sorry Ricky, he got that one past you."

Ricky: "Well...CRAP!"


Meanwhile...the kid who shot the goal is running around the gym...hootin' and hollerin'...and fist pumping, because he scored.

It's funny how sometimes as a teacher you don't have to say a word.  The other kids just looked at him and shook their heads.  One boy gave him a slug in the arm and said..."REALLY?"

And Ricky?

Ricky was PISSED.  He shook off the knock to his noggin' and says, "Come on guys, let's go.  I'll stop the next one."

Yeah, that's right...THAT'S Ricky.  You can see why he was one of my favorites, right!

I thought so.

BROKEN...AND THE IMPORTANCE OF 3:00 A.M.

This is about the next step in my journey. I wrote about where it started here. This is the next piece of the puzzle in making me whole again. 





Broken.

That's all I knew.  Medicine masked the pain, for now. Traction held my leg in place, for now.

But broken isn't dead.  Broken can be fixed.  So broken wasn't THAT bad...... right?

 Everyone told me it could have been so much worse. I knew they were right, but that somehow made me feel guilty for complaining.  What right did I have to feel bad when there were others whose crosses were so much greater to bear?

So I didn't.  At least not out loud. I put on a smile the best I could when others came to visit. I wanted to make THEM feel comfortable. So when they would tell me how lucky I was, I would just lay there, smiling and agree.

But I didn't feel lucky.

I felt...pain.  I felt...depressed.  I felt....angry.  I felt...BROKEN.

I was independent and stubborn and now I had to rely on others for everything....EVERYTHING!

My family was incredible, my husband NEVER complained.  Their lives too were turned upside down, caring for me 24 hours a day.  It was either that or be sent to a nursing home and I couldn't stomach the thought of that.  I just couldn't.

So around the clock I had people with me. Asking if I was okay.  Asking if I needed anything. Jumping to my bedside if I let a moan escape my lips...wanting so desperately to make it better. If only they could.

3:00am quickly became my favorite time of the day. It was quiet...still.  No one was hovering...no one was trying to fix anything.  I love my family so much, but I needed that time.  I needed to know that if I had to turn over or scratch an itch that I could figure out how to do it for myself. It was something small, but it was so important in the healing.  Not the healing of my body, but the healing of my mind...my soul.

I wasn't prepared for the recovery.  I wasn't prepared for everything ELSE that came with healing.

I thought it was all about the broken bones, the ruptured tendons, the stapled skin.  I could endure those things.  Time would heal those things and everything would be fine, right.

I didn't understand it would be more.  So much more.

While the injuries healed, my body would rebel in ways I wasn't prepared for. The human body wasn't meant to be without activity.  It wasn't meant to lie in a bed for months without there being consequences.

Nerve pain and atrophy set in. Pleurisy attacked my lungs. Bodily functions, we take for granted, stopped working. All of these things were consequences and complications that added to the difficult and painful road to recovery.

 I tried to stay positive. I tried to hang on to the knowledge that no matter what lied ahead I WOULD survive it.  I would be a stronger person in the end...a better person.

I longed for the day that rehab could begin.  I knew it would be hard...painful.  (although I COMPLETELY underestimated how hard) I also knew that it would mark the first steps in regaining my power. The first steps in reclaiming myself.

Yes, I longed for that day.  Until then, I would try to find pleasure in the little things....like 3:00am.

This REALLY Sells Hamburgers?

Am I the only one that finds this commercial disturbing?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zf5i0O2PNS4

I mean SERIOUSLY...WTF?

Top Ten Tuesday: Vacation Memories

I'm jumping in and linking up to Slutier Nation for her Top Ten Tuesday funfest. This week the subject is vacation memories. Some may be good..others not so much, but all memorable.

So in Letterman fashion...

#10  Devil's Lake with the family: We would go up to a friends cottage and spend some time cooking out, taking boat rides and learning to ski. Let me emphasize learning to ski. I remember bobbing in the water...skis out in front of me... and listening to the instructions of holding on tight until I'm upright.  Unfortunately, I should have realized that those instructions only pertained to people whose skis did NOT flip over their head on take off.

#9  Cousins Reunion: As we got older my dad's side of the family decided to throw together a reunion for all the cousins.  It was a chance to get together for a weekend of fun and laughs...lots and lots of laughs! One year one of the campers was parked on the edge of a ravine. We were in this camper and all of the sudden the camper started to shift and I did what any loving person would do.  I pushed my husband out of the way and jumped out of the camper to save myself!  Hard to believe that marriage didn't work out, huh.

#8 Florida:  Family vacation to visit my grandparents when I was in high school. My Grandma wanted us to have a great vacation so she paid for us to take a charter boat out in the Gulf for some deep sea fishing.  SHE chose to stay behind and although I wanted to do the same, my parents didn't want me to be rude so I went. BAD IDEA!  Between the smell of the dead fish that was being chopped up for bait and the waves of the water, I spent the entire day sick as a dog! Laying on a filthy cot and having a fisherman with fish guts all over him and no teeth hitting on me was NOT my idea of a great day.  Blech!

#7 Daytona Spring Break: My only year in college (Go Rockets!) to head to Florida for the infamous, Spring Break.  Six girlfriends piled into a pickup truck headed down I-75.  The truck had 'three on the tree' shifting and was so old we had to take it out in the country to practice driving it.  Only two of the six of us were capable of driving. We put a cap on the bed...threw down some mattresses and lined the truck bed with our luggage.  Three girls sat up front and the other four rode in the back...VERY safe, I know! Up all night...laying on the beach all day...lots of fun, but once was definitely enough!

#6 Trip to NYC: Two girlfriends and myself went to NYC for a long weekend. One of my friends had a little business to take care of so we had a free room in the middle of Times Square.  We went to TWO Broadway musicals, Mama Mia and Rent, and had brunch at Tavern on the Green.  It was an awesome trip with great friends. And to make things even better, Joel surprised me by driving up to the airport to pick me up...great ending to a great weekend!

#5 

Trip home from Washington State: Joel and I decided to take a little extra time coming home from a working trip out in Washington State.  We went to Coeur d'Alene,ID (yes..Idaho...it's GORGEOUS), Yellowstone National Park, Mount Rushmore, and the famous Wall Drug.  What?  You've never heard of Wall Drug?  Well just drive through South Dakota and you can't miss it.  There are about 100 signs along the highway directing you to the 'largest drug store in the world'.  How could we resist? It was an GREAT trip and I got to see places I probably never would have gone to otherwise.  We have a beautiful Country...I'm lucky to be able to see it!

#4 Mexico with a Group of Friends: Spending a week at an all-inclusive resort with a big group of friends was a great time. A full week of sun...fun...foo foo drinks with little umbrellas...and lots and lots of laughter. One of the biggest laughs came when we first settled in on the beach and I turned to find Joel dropping his board shorts to reveal his......bright blue speedo!! When in Rome....(or Mexico)

#3 NYC with Joel: For Christmas a few years back Joel got me one of the best gifts EVAH. A long weekend in NYC with tickets to my all time favorite musical "Wicked"! We stayed in a chic little boutique hotel right off of Times Square...over-indulged in everything...and had an incredible time! Joel even admitted that he really enjoyed "Wicked"...and lets face it... how could he not! We are looking forward to planning another trip to The Big Apple soon.

#2 Mexico 2004: This was a vacation we planned as a much needed get-a-way.  It turned into sooooo much more. We went into town to do some shopping one day and while I wasn't paying attention Joel bought a ring I had been admiring. Then, on a dirt road in Mexico, in 110 degree heat he asked me to marry him!  After my initial response.. of "For real?" I said, "ABSOLUTELY!" It was one of the BEST days of my life!

#1 Las Vegas/Maui:  If #2 was our engagement then it should be no surprise that #1 is our wedding and honeymoon.  We decided that we wanted to go away to get married.  We planned everything long distance and much of the details were left to the staff of the The Flamingo Las Vegas.  I was a little nervous about that, but it couldn't have turned out any better.   About 50 of our friends and family members joined us for the most incredible day of my life! I told Joel that Vegas was fine with me, but I didn't want to get married at a drive thru window or have Elvis perform the ceremony.  What we got was a beautiful ceremony...an incredible reception...and a great time in Vegas with the people we love most. What could be better than that?

Well.....the honeymoon comes close! After a few days in Vegas we left our guests to fly off to Maui.  Ten days in paradise was a perfect way to end our celebration.  We did some of the touristy things, such as, snorkeling and a helicopter tour, but after a bout of motion sickness and air sickness, we figured out that laying in the sun and visiting local eateries and pubs was more our speed. We had the best time ever and didn't want to leave.  We have vowed that we WILL return someday....I can hardly wait!

So, these are some of my favorite vacation memories from over the years. I could share so many stories from each of these vacations, but these are the highlights.  I look forward to adding many more in the future and would LOVE to hear about some of YOUR favorite memories! Come on......SHARE!!

Turkey Day Angst...I NEED Your Help!

While some of you have Halloween on the brain I have already leap frogged over Oct. 31st and have moved on to a much scarier holiday...Thanksgiving!

Don't give me that look.

Halloween is a piece of cake.  All you have to do is buy a few bags of candy and wait for the scavengers to descend.  It's a couple hours of oohing and aahing over little kids costumes and then pigging out on the leftover candy that you intentionally mistakenly bought.

Thanksgiving, on the other hand, is an entirely different monster.  For those of us that are "domestically challenged" it is just down right an anxiety fest. Trying to figure out what recipes to make and listening to people complain that, "that's not how my grandmother,mother,aunt, etc... fixes it".  It's all judgey and a real pain in the ass.

Last year was my FIRST turkey and although it turned out alright, it did not go without a few missteps along the way.  Apparently, there are TWO bags of shit you are suppose to take out of the turkey before you cook it, huh? Yeah well, I didn't KNOW that.

Stop judging.

We got through it and nobody died from food poisoning so in my book it was a success.  So let's jump ahead to THIS year.

We are once again on the road and we are thrilled that both kids will be able to join us in California. Our son, who is a Marine, is stationed near us and our daughter is flying out for a visit.  We are REALLY excited about that.

What I'm NOT so excited about is trying to plan this years menu. Joel will be working so it is time, once again, for me to scour the internet for recipes. Except THIS year we have an added twist.

This year we don't have a full kitchen to work with.  The apartment we are staying in has a 'kitchenette'. We have a grill with ONE burner, a small toaster oven and a microwave...that's it! Good God I'm breaking out in a sweat just thinking about it.

How do you cook a respectable Thanksgiving Day dinner with NO OVEN?!

So this post is less about what I WILL do and more about you people giving me suggestions.  Help a sister out would ya. If it's left up to me we may be giving thanks over some grilled hot dogs and toaster ovened french fries.  Don't let me do that to my family!

Come on people...Bring It! (and please keep in mind my lack of culinary skills...thank you)

FEAR...

With halloween approaching, it got me thinking....about FEAR.  Things that scare the bageezus out of us.

When I was a child my biggest fears were the boogeyman and monsters under my bed.  Both, fears that would vanish with the comforting squeeze of my parents arms or the break of dawn. Because it's common knowledge that boogeymen and monsters don't exist in the daylight and your parents arms will protect you from everything.

Once I conquered those fears I'll be damned if new ones didn't take their place.

After  falling off the shoulders of a friend while trying to perfect my cheerleading dismount, I broke my jaw and several teeth and I began to develop a fear. NO not of cheerleading, although that WAS the end of my cheerleading days.  I developed a fear of the dentist.

I know...that's a common fear, and having your jaw wired shut and several root canals will tend to make one leery.  However, I actually didn't start having, what I consider a phobia, until one dentist SCREAMED at me while I was in his chair.

He was supposed to LOOK that day.  No drilling...no needles...JUST LOOK!  I had made sure to ask my mom that question a million times before we got there so I was sure that's all that would happen.

Me: Are you sure he's just looking today? I won't have ANY shots today, right mom?
Mom: No honey, no shots today.
Me: Oh okay, good, but you're POSITIVE, right? No shots at all today?
Mom: No honey...I PROMISE...no shots at all today.
Me: Whew okay. ( a few minutes later) But you're SURE, right?

Then, he decides that he wants to do a double root canal instead and, I admittedly,  freaked out on his ass got a little upset.  For Christ's sake I was in like 5th grade. My mom wasn't too happy with him turning her into a liar either.  He then proceeded to SCREAM at me and told me to "SHUT UP...I was scaring his other patients!"

I should have bit his damn hand, but I just sat there and sobbed while my mom chewed his ass out.  To this day I break out in a cold sweat and have to be dragged, kicking and screaming, to the dentist.

Another fear I have is a fear of heights.  Yes, another common fear, but I'm only afraid if I'm in a situation where I feel I can fall.  Put me in the needle at Cedar Point or an airplane, no problem, but put my ass on a ferris wheel and I will become a lunatic and shit a purple cupcake.  I kid you not...A. PURPLE. CUPCAKE.  It isn't pretty.

I know it's common to develop fears.  They're like assholes...everybody's got one...or ten (well I don't know anyone that has ten assholes, that would be weird, but you know what I mean). I've had people tell me they aren't afraid of ANYTHING. Those people..well, those people, are just lying.  We ALL have fears.

The fears I have today aren't as easy to deal with, as dentists and heights.  The things that scare me today are sometimes too much to handle. Alone.

A phone call at 2 am.
The deployment of our son into a war zone.
Will our daughter find a good job? Will her fiance' keep her safe and happy?
Will my nephew grow up in a world that is less scary than it is today or will it only get scarier?
Am I making the right decisions?  Am I doing enough?  For my parents? For my husband?
The unknown.


Yes, I'm finding that there are some fears that can survive the light of day.  Some fears that don't vanish with a simple hug.   I'm also finding that we can overcome our fears by letting go.  Living each day fully so that if the unthinkable happens, we have no regrets.

Yes, we all have fears...and I am learning to conquer many of mine.

Well, except for my fear of clowns, but come on now... clowns are just FREAKIN' CREEPY!






*Go ahead...leave me a comment. Tell me what you fear and how you deal with it!!

Wordless Wednesday...

Perfect End to the Day!