Thursday, October 28, 2010


This is about the next step in my journey. I wrote about where it started here. This is the next piece of the puzzle in making me whole again. 


That's all I knew.  Medicine masked the pain, for now. Traction held my leg in place, for now.

But broken isn't dead.  Broken can be fixed.  So broken wasn't THAT bad...... right?

 Everyone told me it could have been so much worse. I knew they were right, but that somehow made me feel guilty for complaining.  What right did I have to feel bad when there were others whose crosses were so much greater to bear?

So I didn't.  At least not out loud. I put on a smile the best I could when others came to visit. I wanted to make THEM feel comfortable. So when they would tell me how lucky I was, I would just lay there, smiling and agree.

But I didn't feel lucky.

I felt...pain.  I felt...depressed.  I felt....angry.  I felt...BROKEN.

I was independent and stubborn and now I had to rely on others for everything....EVERYTHING!

My family was incredible, my husband NEVER complained.  Their lives too were turned upside down, caring for me 24 hours a day.  It was either that or be sent to a nursing home and I couldn't stomach the thought of that.  I just couldn't.

So around the clock I had people with me. Asking if I was okay.  Asking if I needed anything. Jumping to my bedside if I let a moan escape my lips...wanting so desperately to make it better. If only they could.

3:00am quickly became my favorite time of the day. It was quiet...still.  No one was one was trying to fix anything.  I love my family so much, but I needed that time.  I needed to know that if I had to turn over or scratch an itch that I could figure out how to do it for myself. It was something small, but it was so important in the healing.  Not the healing of my body, but the healing of my soul.

I wasn't prepared for the recovery.  I wasn't prepared for everything ELSE that came with healing.

I thought it was all about the broken bones, the ruptured tendons, the stapled skin.  I could endure those things.  Time would heal those things and everything would be fine, right.

I didn't understand it would be more.  So much more.

While the injuries healed, my body would rebel in ways I wasn't prepared for. The human body wasn't meant to be without activity.  It wasn't meant to lie in a bed for months without there being consequences.

Nerve pain and atrophy set in. Pleurisy attacked my lungs. Bodily functions, we take for granted, stopped working. All of these things were consequences and complications that added to the difficult and painful road to recovery.

 I tried to stay positive. I tried to hang on to the knowledge that no matter what lied ahead I WOULD survive it.  I would be a stronger person in the end...a better person.

I longed for the day that rehab could begin.  I knew it would be hard...painful.  (although I COMPLETELY underestimated how hard) I also knew that it would mark the first steps in regaining my power. The first steps in reclaiming myself.

Yes, I longed for that day.  Until then, I would try to find pleasure in the little 3:00am.


  1. I went back and read and commented on the initial post first.

    So I will not restate what I said there.

    I will only share that I have had periods of time in my life when 3:00 am was a friend. A time to examine my wounds and assess my injuries without having to explain. Without having to be hugged. Without having to be comforted. Without having someone tell me that everything was going to be OK.

    Only I have never been in a serious car crash.

    And my injuries are of the invisible sort.

    I am so sorry you were in this much pain. Ever.

    And I am so impressed with the woman who has come through the pain to write this story.

    Love you, babe.

    Thank you for sharing.

  2. Thanks so much for the comments Kris. I guess I should direct people to my first post better.

    I have learned that 3:00am is a wonderful time of day to deal with all kinds of injuries....ESPECIALLY the invisible ones! The stillness and the quiet allows you to REALLY hear what your soul is trying to tell you.

    I truly appreciate your insight and beautiful words.


  3. I can't get my mind around this kind of pain. I can only say that I am sorry you had to experience it. And being lucky b/c it could have been worse doesn't make the pain easier. THAT I do understand, very well. Being fortunated does not make pain any easier to bear. And I hope that you have found your pleasure more places now.

  4. Thanks Kim for taking the time to read and to means a lot! Hope you return to visit again! I certainly have learned that pain in ANY form is still PAIN. I have also learned there is much good that can be gained from the pain...I'm happy to say I find pleasure in so many more things than just 3:00am these days!

  5. You are one tough cookie. Some people would whine and savor being waited on hand and foot. You are beautiful for finding the importance in getting back to yourself.

    And you are an incredible story teller to top it off! I'm so glad I found your blog. I'll be back.

  6. Roxane -
    So many times before the accident I said how I just wished I didn't have to get out of bed...definitely a case of watching what you wish for! Now I am thankful for every day I am fortunate enough to get my ass out of bed!

    I'm so glad you found me too....I also found you through Kris...she ROCKS!! And so does your blog..can't wait to read more!

  7. I can't imagine being in that much pain. Physically or mentally.
    How good it is you found that special time to reestablish you.

  8. wow this sounds excruciating. you are brave and strong for re-living it all. Look forward to more of your story!

  9. Your writing about your accident is so poignant and moving...not to mention honest. I hope you are doing better these days. I'm glad I discovered your blog...I think we are going to have a lot of fun together! At least this accident didn't take away your fabulously wicked sense of humor!

    Your new mini-friend,

  10. Hi ... first time here, found you via kris. And I'm soooo glad I did.

    I'm sorry ... about the accident that changed your world.

    I love your writing style and I totally, totally get this post ... I've lived it.

    I almost lost my life ... and my leg in an accident.

    When I woke up 10 days post-accident and slowly learned about all the horrific injuries I had, I expected a tough physical recovery ... what I didn't expect was the tough emotional and mental recovery.

    I had this same thing happen to me ... " Everyone told me it could have been so much worse. I knew they were right, but that somehow made me feel guilty for complaining."

    I constantly had people say, "at least you are here, at least you have your leg, at least ... at least .... "

    I knew all the at leasts ... I didn't need to hear them ... I just needed to talk about and process the changes in my world and how difficult it was to live with pain, limitations and a deformed leg.

    Adjusting to my new, unwanted normal took a few counselors, mentors and lots of red wine before I found life worth living again.

  11. Oh Janet...I'm so glad you found me and I'm Soooo sorry you had to go through such a horrific experience. It is definitely not a club I enjoy hearing others are a part of. And I am also soooo glad you have found that even a new normal is worth just takes time to adjust and come to terms with it. People mean well...they are often at a loss as to what to say that when they do speak it is rarely what you need to hear. I am sure I have been guilty of the same.
    I hope you will come back and visit..I would love to get to know more about you.
    Lots of Gentle Hugs coming your way!

  12. This was so beautifully written. it sounds so painful, awful and stressful. But the writing? Is beautiful. I know what it's like to long for 3:am. And you? You captured it beautifully!

  13. I suffer from chronic pain after a back injury I sustained at work. I'm 30 and heavily rely on the people around me to do a lot of things for me.
    For me, I would think "I have no reason to complain there are other people out therewho are far worse than me" yadda yadda...thing is, my pain is bad for me and me alone. As is your pain is your pain and yours alone. No one or no ones "other" circumstance should make you feel like your struggles are insignificant. Let's be honest...what is happening to you and I really fucking sucks...and it's ok to be mad and sad and everything else in between...use that energy to move forward and keep fighting.
    You can do this.

  14. Thank you Galit for the kind words. Finding the good in a bad situation is all you have some days.

    Kimberly...I agree that everyone's struggles are important and I also agree that it I'm so sorry you deal with chronic pain at such a young age. I hope you are finding a way to cope. It sounds to me like you are a strong woman...Thank you for your words, they are truly appreciated!

  15. Fantastic post. It's so hard to find your way back to you. So hard. The mental strength is astonishing. Sometimes it's nice to to have that 3am.

    Here via TRDC.