Saturday, November 20, 2010

Oprah can SUCK IT!

Oprah can SUCK IT!

OMG...What am I saying?  Oprah I LOVE you...please forgive me...I just lost my mind for a moment.  This is all very traumatic for me.

Generally, I am not a materialistic person. I would rather give than receive and I'm rarely envious of the "things" that other people have. I lead a very blessed life and try to always remember that.

However,  today...TODAY, I am feeling like a whiny brat!  Why you ask?  Well, because I am sitting here watching Oprah's Favorite Things, Part One (yes, part ONE, Monday is the Final Final).  And all I can think about as I watch these crazy ass bitches, jumping around, crying and making complete asses of themselves is...WHY CAN'T THAT BE ME DAMMIT?

 I  know how to act like an ass.  I  can be a greedy bastard too you know!  

The thing that really pisses me off is that this year, I KNOW that I will never be in that audience.  This year, I have to come to the realization that my dream is DEAD.  How could Oprah do this to ME?

Damn, I hate when a dream doesn't come true.  Well, at least I still have the lottery.  I'm gonna win that bitch!  

Shut Up...I AM!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

THIS will probably piss some people off...TOO BAD!

Disclaimer: If you are a parent of a child(ren) who acts out in public and you think that it's perfectly acceptable and the rest of the world should just put up with it because "they are just kids" will NOT like this post.  Oh and just to be clear...I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!

In a restaurant, on a plane, while I'm doesn't matter where I am it seems that I am always in close proximity to a crying, screaming, acting out child. And before all you parents out there get your panties in a bunch I GET that they are kids...I ALSO GET that you as parents should attempt to DO something about your child when he/she is acting like an obnoxious lunatic in public!

It NEVER fails...whenever my husband and I go out to dinner, a family with one of these children are sat right next to or behind us.  It doesn't matter if we are the only people in the restaurant...inevitably they will be sat next to us.

Take last night for example. Joel and I had some shopping to do and afterwards we decided to stop for a quick bite to eat.  The restaurant was pretty empty and we were sat down at a nice booth.  We placed our order and then IT happens...two families with 5 kids were sat down directly behind us.

Look, I understand that children will occasionally yell or cry and that doesn't bother me in the least. Especially, when I can see that the parents are attending to whatever it is that the child needs.  What irritates the HELL out of me is when a child continues to do this and the parents IGNORE it!! Look you MOFOs... parent your children!

And don't give me that crap about you have as much right as everyone else to go out with your children...I AGREE with you.  It's when you disrespect MY rights, that I have a problem. You may be able to overlook your child crying and screaming and kicking the back of my seat, but I assure you... I CANNOT!

Soooo, to the man that continued with his adult conversation last night and ignored his little girl as she was SCREAMING at the top of her lungs, "DADDY...DADDY...DADDYYYYYYYY".  You should know that I wanted to turn around and punch you in the junk!  The only thing that saved you was that my husband talked me down off the ledge by offering me chocolate if I restrained should Thank Him!

I think the next time I am in this situation I will mimic the child's behavior and see how tolerant others will be of me. (and yes you don't have to point out that I am an adult and should know better)  I'm guessing it won't take long before I am asked to change my behavior or leave the restaurant...Hmmmm...what a concept!!

Monday, November 15, 2010

More Ricky to make you smile....

So last week I wrote about 'Ricky' of my favorite students.  If you don't know about Ricky you need to click HERE.

No, SERIOUSLY, click HERE NOW....I'll wait!

*do do do do do do do do, do do do do do do do do do* (that's the jeopardy theme song playing while I wait)

Oh're back.  Okay, so now you understand what a cool kid Ricky is and how much I adore this boy.

It's important for you to understand that, because when I tell you this story you need to know that I'm NOT 'making fun' of Ricky...not even close.'s the end of phys. ed class and I send the kids in the locker room to get cleaned up and changed.

Some of the kids are done and are now hanging out with me waiting for the bell.  Ricky joins us shortly and approaches me...visibly upset.

Mrs. Fig...I don't know where my cards are.  I had them in my jeans back pocket, but now they're gone.

What cards hon?  Are you sure you had them with you?

It's a deck of cards and I'm sure I had them.

I ask Ricky if he locks his locker and he tells me he does.  He says he shares a locker with another student, Calvin.

Right away a couple kids speak up and say that maybe Calvin took the cards.

No way, Calvin wouldn't take my cards, Ricky says, Calvin's my friend.

Some of the kids roll their eyes, saying that if the locker was locked who else could have taken them.

Well, maybe I left them in my hall locker and just forgot.  I know that Calvin would never take them.

I am about to ask Ricky if he would like to go check his hall locker, when Calvin emerges from the locker room.

Calvin says,  Ricky...hey Ricky come here.

Yeah Calvin?  What is it?

Ummm...well, you have MY pants on...yours are still in the locker.


**Okay, now go ahead...because we all did...we laughed so hard we cried. As the Cable Guy would say, I don't care who you are...that there's funny! **

So when Ricky returns from changing pants I ask him if he has his cards now.

He smiles and says... Sure do!

Then he looks at the kids that were so sure Calvin had to have taken the cards and says...

See guys...I told you Calvin would never take my cards.  He's my friend.

God, I LOVE that kid!

Friday, November 12, 2010


During the course of a school day many things can frustrate a teacher.  Homework not being completed, unruly students, lack of needed materials and on and on, but then something will come along and put it all back in perspective for you.

On one particular day, it wasn't a 'something', but rather, a 'someone'.


I loved Ricky.  I know teachers aren't suppose to have favorites, but I'll let you in on a little secret...WE DO! (you're shocked I know)  Ricky was one of my favorites....No doubt about it.

Ricky was a student in one of my physical education classes.  He showed up every day, on time.  He dressed properly, always participated, and did his very best at whatever the activity was for the day. He never complained and he was the sweetest kid EVAH!

Oh, and he was legally blind.

As a teacher, I made as many modifications as I could to make Ricky's experience as positive and safe as possible.  However, it IS gym class.  There would be flying projectiles and uncoordinated, over-caffeinated kids running around and inevitably INTO one another.  Ricky and his parents were aware of the risks, but were adamant about allowing Ricky to participate in all class activities.

Well...okey dokey then.

During the indoor soccer unit I used a modified soccer ball that was neon green in color and had a beeping mechanism inside of it to help Ricky identify where the ball was.  This was a good idea in theory, but the reality was that after about 3 good kicks the beeping thingamajig no longer worked.  For the most part, it wasn't that big of a deal and Ricky did just fine.

Then one day, Ricky had a request....

Ricky: Mrs. Fig, can I change positions?

Me: Sure Ricky, where would you like to play?

Come on...guess... what position he wanted to play?


Ricky: Cool...I want to be GOALIE!

Me: (Gulp) Oh...umm..are you SURE Ricky?  Don't you think that might be a little dangerous?

Ricky: Oh come on Mrs. Fig...what's the WORSE thing that can happen?

Of course I'm thinking...umm....well the worse thing is, you are going to get a ball kicked in your face and break your nose.  Then, my boss is going to say, 'What in the HELL were you thinking putting a blind kid in as GOALIE...are you INSANE?!

But...Ricky's parents made it VERY clear they wanted him to have no restrictions. I looked at his personal aide and she said, "Let's go for it.  I'll stand back there and help him by giving him play by play of where the ball is."

Well, okey dokey then.

Me: Okay Ricky, get in there.  Let's see what ya got kid.

The rest of my students looked at me like I'd lost my marbles (can you blame them?).   I just smiled and said, 'Okay, come on now, let's play."

Now the thing is, I had GREAT students.  They never complained when games needed to be modified and they were very good about looking out for Ricky.  So I knew that although they would play hard, they would also take a little off their shots on goal.

Well....MOST of my students would.

Everything was going fine and then one kid becomes a bone head.  He steals the ball and is headed towards Ricky.  He gets right in front of the goal and then unloads a super hard kick right at Ricky.

Ricky puts his hands up to try to deflect the ball, but he's a little late.  The ball hits Ricky in the face and ricochets through the goal.

I gasp...the rest of the students gasp..and Ricky shakes his head and says, "Did I stop it?"

Everyone smiles and starts to laugh...not in a mean, teasing way, but more in a 'you're something else kid' kind of way.  I say, "Sorry Ricky, he got that one past you."

Ricky: "Well...CRAP!"

Meanwhile...the kid who shot the goal is running around the gym...hootin' and hollerin'...and fist pumping, because he scored.

It's funny how sometimes as a teacher you don't have to say a word.  The other kids just looked at him and shook their heads.  One boy gave him a slug in the arm and said..."REALLY?"

And Ricky?

Ricky was PISSED.  He shook off the knock to his noggin' and says, "Come on guys, let's go.  I'll stop the next one."

Yeah, that's right...THAT'S Ricky.  You can see why he was one of my favorites, right!

I thought so.