Thursday, August 19, 2010

Dating Hell

What's the absolute BEST thing about being married?

That I will NEVER have to DATE again!

Over my lifetime I have had many different types of dates. Way back in high school I had "the first date"..I remember how nervous and crazy I was that night. I had it all planned out...I would wait in the front room and when he knocked on the BACK door (yes, boys actually came to the door back then) I would have my mom answer it. As I see him pull in the drive I yell to my mom that he's here and then stand nervously in the front room. So what happens?  He comes to the FRONT door!  NOBODY ever went to the front, but he did. He looked at me, I looked at him and then I did what any sensible person would do.  I ran to the back of the house and told my mom he was at the front door! (Smmmmoooootttthhhh) I should have known then that this whole dating thing was going to be a pain in the ass.

Fast Forward many years later....and I come upon my worst date EVER! OK...actually it is the worse TWO dates ever because, apparently, I'm not smart enough to learn my lesson the first time.

I'm not sure the first night even qualifies as "a date" but it doesn't really was AWFUL.

A friend and I go out to a local restaurant to begin an evening, of what is sure to be, a good time.  We are standing in the bar area when a couple of nice looking guys catch our eye. Or maybe they caught our eye because they were wearing 10 gallon cowboy hats in a very NON-cowboy hat wearing establishment. (red flag #1)

The cowboys send over drinks and then come introduce themselves. They seem rather nice and gentlemeny (I know that's not a word) so we begin chatting. The one that introduces himself to me is named Stephen. That's STEFF-EN...he seems very adamant about making that clear to me. (red flag #2)

We continue making small talk. They ask what we are up to.  We say, just a girls night out, grabbing some dinner then meeting some friends uptown at the local watering hole. No big deal.

They continue to buy drinks....many drinks. We pass on a couple rounds, but those boys are throwin' back pretty hard. (red flag#3) When their table is called they invite us to join them.

As we are sitting down at the table...STEFF-EN sits at the very end and begins to rock back on the chair. I tell him he should be careful but he just looks at me like I'm an idiot.

Well, you know what happens next, right. Yep, he flips over backwards! Not ONLY does he go crashing to the ground, but he kicks the guy, at the table behind us, in the HEAD!(red flag#4) Everyone is staring at his stupid ass and I want to die because there are tables of people that I know in the restaurant. At that moment, I wanted to stand up and let everyone know that I was NOT with this idiot and that I did warn him what would happen if he kept rocking back on that damn chair!

Instead, my friend and I excused ourselves to the bathroom and then got the hell out of there as fast as we could! Whew...disaster adverted!

Well...not quite.

Remember earlier when I said we made small talk about what we were doing that night? Dumb move!

As we are bellied up to the bar telling our friends about these idiots, who do you think walks thru the door? I really don't have to tell you, right.

So the cowboys mosey on up to the bar and get a drink. We are trying desperately to ignore them at this point, but really, what are the odds of that happening.

The next thing I know, the head guy in the band is announcing he has a special request. Cowboy STEFF-EN wants to sing a song to someone! Oh please God, please do NOT let this fool sing a song to me. Please..Please...Please!

Well, God must have had more important things on his plate because I'll be damned if ole' STEFF-EN doesn't announce he is dedicating this song to "Tonya". (that's me) (red flag#5)

He proceeds to DESTROY Garth Brooks' song, "The Dance". I mean, he would have been one of those American Idol rejects that I am embarrassed for at the beginning of each season. It was BAD!! And my friends LOVED every second of it. (Bitches!)

I leave before the song ends and head for home. Seriously, I could not take ANY more!

You would think this would be the end of my story. I mean what kind of idiot would give this guy another chance, right? Well, I don't know if I'm just a glutton for punishment or what, but I AM that kind of idiot.

He calls, apologizes profusely and asks me if I'd like to just get together for something casual. He knew I was a basketball player so he suggests we go to the gym and play a little horse or one-on-one. (which, by the way, I would have TOTALLY kicked his ass at had we ever gotten that far!)

 I agree, and go to his house to pick him up. While waiting for him to get ready there is a knock at the door. (Hmmm...wonder who this could be)

WELL...he starts to open the door and some chick busts in screaming! I couldn't really make out the words because her head was spinning around and pea soup was spewing from her mouth. (not really, but she WAS pissed off)  Then she looks at me and says, "Well, you can HAVE him sweetie" (which, at this point by the way, I am SURE I don't want) (red flag #... Oh who the hell knows, there were too many to count!)

After she leaves, he actually picks up his jacket and thinks we are STILL going to the gym!

Now, I realize that up until this point in the story (the very LONG story) I have, for some reason, believed there was a chance this guy was sane.

Clearly, I was wrong!

And just to prove to you that I AM sane...there was never a date #3.