1st Graders Suck Ass!

Ringggggg.

Hello? Oh umm...substitute for 1st grade tomorrow? Well, I'm actually only certified 7-12...Oh, it doesn't matter for substituting? Well then, yeah, I guess I can do that.  I mean how tough can 1st graders be? See you in the morning..Thank you!


THANK YOU???  Have I lost my fucking mind?  There was a reason I didn't get certified for elementary. That reason was I'm petrified of little kids and quite honestly, I don't really like them much until they hit puberty. I'm not a big fan of little people, so sue me. (For clarification, I'm referring to children here NOT "little people". I LOVE "little people"...in fact, "The Little Couple" is one of my favorite shows)

On my way to my assignment I try to give myself a pep talk.  Ok Tonya, now you can do this. It's your very first subbing assignment so DON'T fuck it up. Just don't let them see you sweat. Everything will be JUST fine.


8:15 am - Arrive at school. Check in at the office.

8:20 am - Enter classroom. Ooohh.. so many bright colors, looks like such a happy place. (who knew such evil lurked under that cheerful facade)

8:30 am - Go over teachers' lesson plan for the day. (Damn, she has high expectations. I was hoping for a lot of nap time and recess...shit)

8:45 am - Children begin to arrive. I'm greeted with..."You're not Miss So and So". 

Really? No shit kid, boy, I bet you're gonna be valedictorian some day.

9:00 am - Attendance taken...lunch money collected...I'm on my way!

9:05 am - "That's not how Miss So and So does it. Billy's touching me. We never do it THAT way. Billy's touching me. I don't like how YOU do it. Billy's touching ME! I want Miss So and So back. BILLY'S TOUCHING ME!"


Really? WTF? Billy...stop touching people for God's sake! You want Miss So and So back, huh...well, I want a beer right about now. First lesson learned today...you don't always get what you want!


9:15 am - Trying to get everyone onto the carpet...Kids running all over the place..I YELL...they CRY...I am NOT doing well.  . One little girl tugs on my skirt and yes, pulls it down.  I'm guessing mooning 1st graders is probably against some kind of rule.

9:20 am - Finally get most of the kids sat down and THEN....a fight breaks out! A chubby little boy and a twiggy little girl are goin' at it! Rest of the kids start to scream...I jump in and pull them apart. Now what? I haul them down to the office (ummm...yeah, I left the classroom...another No No!)

9:25 am - Return to classroom. (Note to self: DO NOT leave a classroom full of 1st graders unattended..not even for a second!) Kids once again running all over the place.

9:30 am - Guess who's back...yep, Joe Frasier and Muhammad Ali. The principal walks them back to class!  WHAT? I don't want them back...I GAVE them to YOU...YOU are suppose to KEEP them!

I have decided at this point that I am going to get my tubes tied.


The rest of the day doesn't get any better. My little fighters go to opposite corners. One sits on the ledge staring out the window. The other one crawls under a desk and refuses to come out. (Which, by the way, I am FINE with)

Lunchtime rolls around...time to get in line and go to the cafeteria...easy enough.

Think Kindergarten Cop ...the fire drill scene...all classes walking in a single file line, quietly and politely. MY class running around like wild animals.  I have now conceded that I have lost ALL control. Oh, who am I kidding...I NEVER HAD control!

Those kids OWNED me.  They smelled FEAR and they pounced!

The end of the day finally arrives..the kids are gone...I am sitting at the desk...numb. I can't move. The principal sticks his head in the door. He looks at me and smiles.

I'm not sure the kids learned anything valuable that day, but I sure did.

1st Graders SUCK ASS!