So I got my hair done....

I went and had my hair done yesterday...my husband said it looks beautiful. What else could he say, right?

Well... let me tell you what ELSE he could say. He COULD say, "Wow..it's umm...short."

In fact, he DID say that several years ago. It didn't go over well...shocking, I know. Yes, several years ago I went to get my hair done and then met him at the bowling alley. (we're that kind of classy) When I got there I walked up to his table and he looked at me and said.."Wow..it's umm..short."

REALLY? That's what you have to say to me? In front of all your buddies..THAT'S what you've got for me. Are you a freakin' idiot?


I give him "the look" and he says, "What? What did I say wrong? It IS short."

Hmm..I don't know, jackass...maybe you could have said I look nice? That you like it?


And THEN...and THEN.. I get, "So you want me to lie?" He's really lucky at this point I didn't knock his ass right off his chair or dump my drink on his head. He was only saved by the fact that, I'm pretty sure I couldn't knock him off his chair and there is NO WAY I'm wasting my drink. Anyway, I thought it best to let it drop at that point. I know his buddies thought so too.

Later, at home, we get into a conversation, that goes something like this...

Joel:  So, let me get this straight. I'm suppose to tell you your hair looks nice, even if I don't like it? You WANT me to lie to you?

 Duh...isn't that in your man handbook or something?  I get my haircut, you say, you love it. I ask if I look fat, you say, of course not. I mean what is so tough about that?


Jump ahead a few days...It's Friday night Joel's getting ready to go out to dinner. I'm waiting on him...and waiting on him..AND waiting... Finally, he comes downstairs....

BALD!!


I look at him and say what every other woman would say in this situation..."What the FUCK did you do?"

He get's this shit eating grin on his face and says, " SEE..SEE..YOU didn't say you liked it. YOU didn't say I look good."

SERIOUSLY? You somehow think THIS is the same thing as when I got my haircut? You have lost your fucking mind..you know that, right?


Yes, he believes that by him shaving his head he has somehow proven his point to me.

He doesn't see the difference in me going to get my haircut and him going to TAKE A SHOWER AND COMING OUT BALD?!

Whatevs...let's go to dinner.

Sitting at dinner I look over at him, he looks a little uncomfortable. Now I have a shit eating grin on MY face.


Soooo...do YOU like your hair? (or lack thereof)


Joel: No!

Well, I like MINE. Guess you really showed me, huh?

So like I said, I went and got my hair done yesterday and my husband LOVES it...he said so.

1st Graders Suck Ass!

Ringggggg.

Hello? Oh umm...substitute for 1st grade tomorrow? Well, I'm actually only certified 7-12...Oh, it doesn't matter for substituting? Well then, yeah, I guess I can do that.  I mean how tough can 1st graders be? See you in the morning..Thank you!


THANK YOU???  Have I lost my fucking mind?  There was a reason I didn't get certified for elementary. That reason was I'm petrified of little kids and quite honestly, I don't really like them much until they hit puberty. I'm not a big fan of little people, so sue me. (For clarification, I'm referring to children here NOT "little people". I LOVE "little people"...in fact, "The Little Couple" is one of my favorite shows)

On my way to my assignment I try to give myself a pep talk.  Ok Tonya, now you can do this. It's your very first subbing assignment so DON'T fuck it up. Just don't let them see you sweat. Everything will be JUST fine.


8:15 am - Arrive at school. Check in at the office.

8:20 am - Enter classroom. Ooohh.. so many bright colors, looks like such a happy place. (who knew such evil lurked under that cheerful facade)

8:30 am - Go over teachers' lesson plan for the day. (Damn, she has high expectations. I was hoping for a lot of nap time and recess...shit)

8:45 am - Children begin to arrive. I'm greeted with..."You're not Miss So and So". 

Really? No shit kid, boy, I bet you're gonna be valedictorian some day.

9:00 am - Attendance taken...lunch money collected...I'm on my way!

9:05 am - "That's not how Miss So and So does it. Billy's touching me. We never do it THAT way. Billy's touching me. I don't like how YOU do it. Billy's touching ME! I want Miss So and So back. BILLY'S TOUCHING ME!"


Really? WTF? Billy...stop touching people for God's sake! You want Miss So and So back, huh...well, I want a beer right about now. First lesson learned today...you don't always get what you want!


9:15 am - Trying to get everyone onto the carpet...Kids running all over the place..I YELL...they CRY...I am NOT doing well.  . One little girl tugs on my skirt and yes, pulls it down.  I'm guessing mooning 1st graders is probably against some kind of rule.

9:20 am - Finally get most of the kids sat down and THEN....a fight breaks out! A chubby little boy and a twiggy little girl are goin' at it! Rest of the kids start to scream...I jump in and pull them apart. Now what? I haul them down to the office (ummm...yeah, I left the classroom...another No No!)

9:25 am - Return to classroom. (Note to self: DO NOT leave a classroom full of 1st graders unattended..not even for a second!) Kids once again running all over the place.

9:30 am - Guess who's back...yep, Joe Frasier and Muhammad Ali. The principal walks them back to class!  WHAT? I don't want them back...I GAVE them to YOU...YOU are suppose to KEEP them!

I have decided at this point that I am going to get my tubes tied.


The rest of the day doesn't get any better. My little fighters go to opposite corners. One sits on the ledge staring out the window. The other one crawls under a desk and refuses to come out. (Which, by the way, I am FINE with)

Lunchtime rolls around...time to get in line and go to the cafeteria...easy enough.

Think Kindergarten Cop ...the fire drill scene...all classes walking in a single file line, quietly and politely. MY class running around like wild animals.  I have now conceded that I have lost ALL control. Oh, who am I kidding...I NEVER HAD control!

Those kids OWNED me.  They smelled FEAR and they pounced!

The end of the day finally arrives..the kids are gone...I am sitting at the desk...numb. I can't move. The principal sticks his head in the door. He looks at me and smiles.

I'm not sure the kids learned anything valuable that day, but I sure did.

1st Graders SUCK ASS!

Yes, I'm a Chocolate Whore...

Hello, my name is Tonya and I'm a Chocoholic.

What does it take to be a chocoholic you ask? It takes commitment. It takes dedication. Most of all, it takes a complete disregard for moderation and social acceptance.

I'm not talking about liking chocolate here. I'm not talking about eating socially acceptable amounts of chocolate on a regular basis. I am talking about obscene amounts of chocolate. The kind of gluttony that would make the average person shudder (and probably puke). THAT'S the kind of chocoholic I am baby!

A BOX of ho hos and a half gallon of chocolate milk. In ONE sitting!

A CAN of chocolate frosting. Not for putting ON a cake, but for eating with a spoon!

A hot fudge sunday with EXTRA...EXTRA...EXTRA  Hot Fudge. The ice cream is really just an accessory...I'd be perfectly happy with just a big bowl of hot fudge!

A Stir n Frost Cake (Betty Crocker, you Bitch...bring these back!) Oh, did I mention I wouldn't actually bake the cake. Oh no, I would make the batter in the cute little pan that was included, grab a spoon and eat it raw.  Then rinse it down with the packet of frosting.

 Oh, and DO NOT...I repeat... DO NOT screw up my chocolate with crap like nuts or fruit or any other stupid flavors! The ONLY thing that goes well with chocolate is more chocolate!

O.K. I'm starting to shake..the D.T.s are setting in...I MUST go get chocolate...NOW.  I think there's a bottle of chocolate syrup in the fridge.

Hey...Don't Judge Me!

A HARD Lesson to Learn...

Sometimes during the day I have these random thoughts that pop into my head. Well O.K....MOST days I have random thoughts, but on this particular day I was remembering a day from my college Water Safety course. It wasn't that bad of a class really, I learned a lot about what to do in water emergencies which was pretty cool. However, one day definitely stood out more than any other.

We were talking about how to stabilize someone on a back board. Our professor had us all in the shallow end and was demonstrating the procedure to us. He called for a volunteer, and this one guy that we called Kramer (man did he have some crazy ass hair) jumped at the chance.  So Kramer became our "victim" and it was our job to get him on the board safely and stabilize his head. Exactly like that picture up there. Simple...right?

Well...things don't always go exactly as planned.  We were able to position Kramer on the board and turned him over so as not to drown the poor bastard...Yay, bonus points for us!! We got his head stabilized...and the straps tightened so he couldn't move....COULD NOT MOVE...this will be very important later in the story!

Once we had him safely secured, the instructor had us all surround Kramer as he discussed our efforts. I happened to be standing directly at his waist. Things seemed to be going well and then IT happened (do you  know what I'm about to say). As poor Kramer is strapped down to this board and CANNOT MOVE he gets an ERECTION!  His suit is sucking to him like it was vacuum sealed and there he is in all his glory with a big ole' boner! It was like a bad accident...you want to look away, but you just can't.  What is our professor doing this whole time you ask? Yep...he is just going on and on about the exercise and has NO CLUE what is going on.

Now I don't know about you, but I have NO IDEA what the proper protocol is for a situation like this. Since I'm standing right at his waist should I reach over and try to release his suit so it's not quite so obvious? Should I fake a heart attack so I can distract everyone from the elephant in the room (no pun intended)? Well, whatever the PROPER thing to do is, I am POSITIVE what I DID do was NOT it! Instead, I stood there and giggled like I was 12.  It was one of those situations where laughing was so inappropriate and the more I tried NOT to laugh the harder it was to control.

THANKFULLY....Kramer must have started to think about his grandmother or something because after what seemed like an eternity (and I'm sure it seemed longer for Kramer than any of us) his "predicament" subsided.

The lesson I walked away with that day was significant.....NEVER volunteer to be the victim.  I know Kramer learned that lesson the HARD way!

Follow the Recipe...Damn It!

See this recipe card? If my husband was going to make this dish do you know what he would do with this card? He would toss it aside and just do whatever the hell he wanted to!? WTF is that all about, huh? Isn't the recipe card like a map that you follow to get you to your destination safe and sound? OH... Yes that's right..it IS like a map so, of course, my husband wouldn't use it! Nope, he would just throw caution to the wind and start throwing things around the kitchen all Willy Nilly.  Never mind that his dishes end up delicious and all, but that's BESIDE the point!

 So what IS the point you ask...the point is that I follow the recipe. I do what I'm suppose to and at best my dishes turn out o.k.! To be honest, it pisses me off! I mean if the recipe says to cook something for 15 minutes isn't that what you should do? Shouldn't the damn thing be done in 15 minutes if that's what it said? What's the frickin' point of following the directions if you take it out in 15 min. and it's burnt to a crisp? Or what if it needs to cook longer?  Just how MUCH longer should I let it cook so as not to poison my family. Yes, this is what I think will happen if I don't follow the directions, EXACTLY. Somehow, I will poison my family and kill them, all because I didn't follow the directions! This may seem unreasonable, but I happen to love my family and I'm not taking any chances damn it! So when I serve them undercooked pasta or overcooked chicken just remember....it's because I LOVE them!