1st Graders Suck Ass!

Ringggggg.

Hello? Oh umm...substitute for 1st grade tomorrow? Well, I'm actually only certified 7-12...Oh, it doesn't matter for substituting? Well then, yeah, I guess I can do that.  I mean how tough can 1st graders be? See you in the morning..Thank you!


THANK YOU???  Have I lost my fucking mind?  There was a reason I didn't get certified for elementary. That reason was I'm petrified of little kids and quite honestly, I don't really like them much until they hit puberty. I'm not a big fan of little people, so sue me. (For clarification, I'm referring to children here NOT "little people". I LOVE "little people"...in fact, "The Little Couple" is one of my favorite shows)

On my way to my assignment I try to give myself a pep talk.  Ok Tonya, now you can do this. It's your very first subbing assignment so DON'T fuck it up. Just don't let them see you sweat. Everything will be JUST fine.


8:15 am - Arrive at school. Check in at the office.

8:20 am - Enter classroom. Ooohh.. so many bright colors, looks like such a happy place. (who knew such evil lurked under that cheerful facade)

8:30 am - Go over teachers' lesson plan for the day. (Damn, she has high expectations. I was hoping for a lot of nap time and recess...shit)

8:45 am - Children begin to arrive. I'm greeted with..."You're not Miss So and So". 

Really? No shit kid, boy, I bet you're gonna be valedictorian some day.

9:00 am - Attendance taken...lunch money collected...I'm on my way!

9:05 am - "That's not how Miss So and So does it. Billy's touching me. We never do it THAT way. Billy's touching me. I don't like how YOU do it. Billy's touching ME! I want Miss So and So back. BILLY'S TOUCHING ME!"


Really? WTF? Billy...stop touching people for God's sake! You want Miss So and So back, huh...well, I want a beer right about now. First lesson learned today...you don't always get what you want!


9:15 am - Trying to get everyone onto the carpet...Kids running all over the place..I YELL...they CRY...I am NOT doing well.  . One little girl tugs on my skirt and yes, pulls it down.  I'm guessing mooning 1st graders is probably against some kind of rule.

9:20 am - Finally get most of the kids sat down and THEN....a fight breaks out! A chubby little boy and a twiggy little girl are goin' at it! Rest of the kids start to scream...I jump in and pull them apart. Now what? I haul them down to the office (ummm...yeah, I left the classroom...another No No!)

9:25 am - Return to classroom. (Note to self: DO NOT leave a classroom full of 1st graders unattended..not even for a second!) Kids once again running all over the place.

9:30 am - Guess who's back...yep, Joe Frasier and Muhammad Ali. The principal walks them back to class!  WHAT? I don't want them back...I GAVE them to YOU...YOU are suppose to KEEP them!

I have decided at this point that I am going to get my tubes tied.


The rest of the day doesn't get any better. My little fighters go to opposite corners. One sits on the ledge staring out the window. The other one crawls under a desk and refuses to come out. (Which, by the way, I am FINE with)

Lunchtime rolls around...time to get in line and go to the cafeteria...easy enough.

Think Kindergarten Cop ...the fire drill scene...all classes walking in a single file line, quietly and politely. MY class running around like wild animals.  I have now conceded that I have lost ALL control. Oh, who am I kidding...I NEVER HAD control!

Those kids OWNED me.  They smelled FEAR and they pounced!

The end of the day finally arrives..the kids are gone...I am sitting at the desk...numb. I can't move. The principal sticks his head in the door. He looks at me and smiles.

I'm not sure the kids learned anything valuable that day, but I sure did.

1st Graders SUCK ASS!

Yes, I'm a Chocolate Whore...

Hello, my name is Tonya and I'm a Chocoholic.

What does it take to be a chocoholic you ask? It takes commitment. It takes dedication. Most of all, it takes a complete disregard for moderation and social acceptance.

I'm not talking about liking chocolate here. I'm not talking about eating socially acceptable amounts of chocolate on a regular basis. I am talking about obscene amounts of chocolate. The kind of gluttony that would make the average person shudder (and probably puke). THAT'S the kind of chocoholic I am baby!

A BOX of ho hos and a half gallon of chocolate milk. In ONE sitting!

A CAN of chocolate frosting. Not for putting ON a cake, but for eating with a spoon!

A hot fudge sunday with EXTRA...EXTRA...EXTRA  Hot Fudge. The ice cream is really just an accessory...I'd be perfectly happy with just a big bowl of hot fudge!

A Stir n Frost Cake (Betty Crocker, you Bitch...bring these back!) Oh, did I mention I wouldn't actually bake the cake. Oh no, I would make the batter in the cute little pan that was included, grab a spoon and eat it raw.  Then rinse it down with the packet of frosting.

 Oh, and DO NOT...I repeat... DO NOT screw up my chocolate with crap like nuts or fruit or any other stupid flavors! The ONLY thing that goes well with chocolate is more chocolate!

O.K. I'm starting to shake..the D.T.s are setting in...I MUST go get chocolate...NOW.  I think there's a bottle of chocolate syrup in the fridge.

Hey...Don't Judge Me!

A HARD Lesson to Learn...

Sometimes during the day I have these random thoughts that pop into my head. Well O.K....MOST days I have random thoughts, but on this particular day I was remembering a day from my college Water Safety course. It wasn't that bad of a class really, I learned a lot about what to do in water emergencies which was pretty cool. However, one day definitely stood out more than any other.

We were talking about how to stabilize someone on a back board. Our professor had us all in the shallow end and was demonstrating the procedure to us. He called for a volunteer, and this one guy that we called Kramer (man did he have some crazy ass hair) jumped at the chance.  So Kramer became our "victim" and it was our job to get him on the board safely and stabilize his head. Exactly like that picture up there. Simple...right?

Well...things don't always go exactly as planned.  We were able to position Kramer on the board and turned him over so as not to drown the poor bastard...Yay, bonus points for us!! We got his head stabilized...and the straps tightened so he couldn't move....COULD NOT MOVE...this will be very important later in the story!

Once we had him safely secured, the instructor had us all surround Kramer as he discussed our efforts. I happened to be standing directly at his waist. Things seemed to be going well and then IT happened (do you  know what I'm about to say). As poor Kramer is strapped down to this board and CANNOT MOVE he gets an ERECTION!  His suit is sucking to him like it was vacuum sealed and there he is in all his glory with a big ole' boner! It was like a bad accident...you want to look away, but you just can't.  What is our professor doing this whole time you ask? Yep...he is just going on and on about the exercise and has NO CLUE what is going on.

Now I don't know about you, but I have NO IDEA what the proper protocol is for a situation like this. Since I'm standing right at his waist should I reach over and try to release his suit so it's not quite so obvious? Should I fake a heart attack so I can distract everyone from the elephant in the room (no pun intended)? Well, whatever the PROPER thing to do is, I am POSITIVE what I DID do was NOT it! Instead, I stood there and giggled like I was 12.  It was one of those situations where laughing was so inappropriate and the more I tried NOT to laugh the harder it was to control.

THANKFULLY....Kramer must have started to think about his grandmother or something because after what seemed like an eternity (and I'm sure it seemed longer for Kramer than any of us) his "predicament" subsided.

The lesson I walked away with that day was significant.....NEVER volunteer to be the victim.  I know Kramer learned that lesson the HARD way!

Follow the Recipe...Damn It!

See this recipe card? If my husband was going to make this dish do you know what he would do with this card? He would toss it aside and just do whatever the hell he wanted to!? WTF is that all about, huh? Isn't the recipe card like a map that you follow to get you to your destination safe and sound? OH... Yes that's right..it IS like a map so, of course, my husband wouldn't use it! Nope, he would just throw caution to the wind and start throwing things around the kitchen all Willy Nilly.  Never mind that his dishes end up delicious and all, but that's BESIDE the point!

 So what IS the point you ask...the point is that I follow the recipe. I do what I'm suppose to and at best my dishes turn out o.k.! To be honest, it pisses me off! I mean if the recipe says to cook something for 15 minutes isn't that what you should do? Shouldn't the damn thing be done in 15 minutes if that's what it said? What's the frickin' point of following the directions if you take it out in 15 min. and it's burnt to a crisp? Or what if it needs to cook longer?  Just how MUCH longer should I let it cook so as not to poison my family. Yes, this is what I think will happen if I don't follow the directions, EXACTLY. Somehow, I will poison my family and kill them, all because I didn't follow the directions! This may seem unreasonable, but I happen to love my family and I'm not taking any chances damn it! So when I serve them undercooked pasta or overcooked chicken just remember....it's because I LOVE them!

Is This REALLY a Problem?

Sometimes I have to wonder, exactly what are these advertising executives smoking? I am picturing the ad meeting now...5-6 top ad designers sitting around a table throwing out ideas for the next big Charmin campaign. As the brainstorming meeting drags on someone suddenly has an epiphany! "I've got it! Cartoon Bears that are having trouble with pieces of TP sticking to their hairy butts!" The conference room erupts in applause and the group hoists the idea guy on their shoulders and breaks out in a lousy rendition of 'For He's a Jolly Good Fellow'! I mean REALLY? It seems unlikely that an idea like that could be born without the aid of an illegal substance of some kind...just sayin'.

Then as I think about the message the ad sends I have to wonder...Is this REALLY a problem we suffer from in America? Are there a lot of people running around with toilet paper stuck to their butts? It seems to me that people do not understand how toilet paper works if it is ending up on their butt cheeks!

And why cartoon bears? Although I'm guessing using real bears would be a little tricky, I still don't get the bear comparison. I suppose there are some people that have unusually hairy rearends but is that really the demographic they need to focus on? Perhaps it's an untapped market but I have to believe that the majority of Americans out there have a minimal amount of butt hair and are quite capable of using toilet paper with little difficulty. Personally, I think they should just go back to sweet ole' Mr. Whipple telling us "Don't squeeze the Charmin!"

The Meaning of True Friendship

I've heard the meaning of true friendship is being able to not see someone for long periods of time and when you do it's as though no time has passed at all. I think that's just our way of justifying being a lazy and frankly not very good friend. True friendship isn't NOT seeing someone...TRUE friendship is making time to see someone (or call, or write or send smoke signals) when it's inconvenient...when you have to make an effort. True friendship is a verb not a noun. It's showing others we care, it's acting with love.

I have learned so much about friendship and this week it has been on my mind a lot. A friend from another time in my life passed away after a long illness and it made me stop to think. I was sad because of his death but I was also sad that the memories I have of our friendship were from so long ago. There were unique circumstances to why our friendship was no longer active but those circumstances didn't make the sadness any less. Then I started thinking about the friendships I do have and asking myself if I take the time I should with each of them. Life gets hectic and we are consumed with our daily responsibilities. Before we know it friendships fall to the wayside and with the more time that passes the easier it becomes to not make an effort. I know that I have been guilty of this in the past and I'm hoping to become a better friend for recognizing it.

I think back to a time when I was laid up from a car accident and I was bed ridden for several months. It was a very lonely and dark time for me. I loved when a friend would stop by or I would get a card in the mail. Some just called to see how I was doing. It was before the days of facebook so my ACTUAL friends had to make an effort..had to make me a priority in their lives.I know it wasn't always easy for them to find the time, but I SO appreciated when they did. I also learned a lot about the people I thought were my friends.

One afternoon when I was finally able to get out of the house with the help of a wheelchair and my husband at the time. We went up to the store to pick up a few things. I've never been so happy to be able to go grocery shopping before! While in the parking lot we ran into someone I had once considered a good friend. She excitedly ran up to me...telling me how happy she was to see me...how great it was and that NOW that I can get out of the house we'll have to get together! REALLY??!! NOW since I can get out of the house you want to see me? NOW that I can make it easier on you you want to be my friend? I don't need that kind of friendship. What I NEEDED were friends that made me a priority in their lives not an option. It was disheartening to realize I really meant that little to this person but at the same time it made me ever the more grateful for the friends that showed they cared!

I watch the same thing happening to my dad and it makes me so ANGRY! So angry and so incredibly sad! My dad has one true and blue friend that stops by to see him religiously. They sit and reminisce about old times, laugh about good memories, and catch up on what's new in the world. It brightens his day. He may stay 15 min. or 2 hours, it doesn't matter. What matters is he SHOWS my dad his friendship! That kind of friendship is PRICELESS!

It should make you stop and think...WHO would make YOU a priority? Who would think that your friendship is important enough to make the effort? I bet the list of people would surprise you. And ask yourself this...what kind of friend are YOU? In YOUR dictionary is friendship a VERB or a NOUN?

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year...

I LOVE Christmastime...I love everything about it. I love the lights, the snow and baking cookies (even if they do come from Toll House). I love decorating the house and sitting in the dark with only the glow of the Christmas tree and fireplace to light up the house. I like that people seem to be more charitable, forgiving and just plain nicer. I even like the cheesy imitation Santas in the malls and the craziness of trying to pick out just the right gift for the people we love. The thing I love most about the Holidays though is spending time with family and friends. Traditions that we've created over the years, no matter how big or small they may be, make Christmastime my favorite time of the year. As I sit here over a thousand miles away from those friends and family, I realize that Perry Como was right. There really is, No Place like Home for the Holidays. I'll admit, being away has made me more nostalgic than ever, but I truly cannot wait to get home to all the hustle and bustle that the Holidays bring. So my friends, not to worry...I'll Be Home for Christmas!

More than just a picnic table...

Looking out my front window I see the park. People seem to get good use out of it and I feel like I should take advantage of it more than I do. When we first moved into this house I was so excited to have this wonderful park so close to us. I've been over there a few times but haven't really used it the way I should. I look over there everyday. Families, groups of friends, couples...all enjoying the park. It's a nice sight, I really should join in the fun. Then there is one picnic table that always gets my attention. Probably because it is the one directly across from my front window, but also because it is the one table that is ALWAYS occupied. It never crossed my mind that this nice picnic area was anything more than that. Until about a week ago that is. It was then that I realized that table was something more...much more. After dinner out one night we drove through the park. Once again that table was taken and as I looked over at the man sitting there it finally dawned on me. This man wasn't just enjoying the beauty of the park for a few hours. No, he had made this his home. I had seen this man before, many times. He is often seen on a bench outside the Walgreen's when it's dark. Probably because it's open 24hrs. and it seems like a safe area to hang out. After all, you can only be in the park until dark so then he must find somewhere else to go. When I realized that this picnic table was this man's refuge I had so many emotions running through me. Sadness, anger, embarrassment, fear, empathy...you name it I felt it in that moment. One of the things that I was both embarrassed and angered by was that for weeks I had looked over into that park and all I saw were people enjoying their day. It never even crossed my mind that I was looking at a man who was homeless. Now my husband has always accused me of being the least observant person he knows, and although he has a valid point, I would have never thought I could overlook something so important. Maybe it's because I have had limited contact with the homeless. Growing up in a small town it wasn't a problem that smacked me in the face everyday. Sometimes I think that's what makes it easy for us to ignore..if we don't SEE it then it doesn't exist. Now I witness the problem everyday when I look out my front window. I find myself looking over at that table and seeing if he is there each day. I think about him, wondering what circumstances led him there. Is he mentally ill? Did he fall on hard times in our unstable economy? Perhaps he chose a life of drugs and alcohol and spiralled out of control. I don't know his story but it occupies my thoughts now. I wonder if his family has disowned him or if he has family at all. Maybe his children are worried where he might be. I've THOUGHT about going over there...talking to him, asking him about his life, and yet I stop myself each time. I tell myself that I'm being cautious. If he is mentally ill or angry maybe he would attack me or follow me home. But if I'm completely honest with myself I think it just makes me uncomfortable. I'm not proud to admit that, but it's the truth. We don't like things that make us uncomfortable and we rarely step outside of what affects our lives directly. I thought about NOT writing about this ...I don't think it paints me in a very good light, but that's the point isn't it. To admit that we need to pull our heads out of the sand...to look BEYOND just seeing the people having fun in the park? Sometimes, a picnic table is a whole lot more....

Back at it...

Well I guess maybe I'm not the best Blogger since I am so sporadic about it, but here I go again. Since my last post Joel and I spent a great summer back home and now we are back on the road again. This time..destination Crystal River, Florida. While we were home we had a lot of loose ends to tie up with the house and it ended with a big garage sale. Ummmm...is it just me or are garage salers a CRAZY breed? I dreaded having the sale to begin with because they are soooo much work and to be perfectly honest I just didn't feel like doing it. However, I will tell you that for two days I was amazed, amused, entertained, dumbfounded, and at times a little saddened by human behavior. I realize that one man's trash is another man's treasure, but when my hubby came up to me and told me a man was literally digging through our garbage and actually finding things to purchase I was shocked! Then there was the woman that bought 3/4 empty bottles of bleach and cleaning supplies that I had simply not moved yet..but hey lady if you want to buy them have at it!! I even had a man buy the marker that I made the garage sale sign with...amazing I tell you, just amazing. When all was said and done the sale was definitely worth the time and effort but I can say whole heartily...I do NOT want to have another sale anytime soon.


As I am finding out with this travelling gig, we don't get much notice before we have to be at a new location. We had less then a week's notice to be in Florida and this job is "suppose" to last until mid December so we are going to be gone for quite a while this time. So we scrambled to get some last minute things done, had a last hurrah at the Corn Fest (which was WAY fun!), and packed up the truck and headed down to Florida. We had no place to live but we were pretty sure we could find something when we got here. Boy did we get lucky there. After just driving around Crystal River we saw a rental sign at this cute little house and just stopped to peek in the windows. The owner of the house saw us and stopped over and showed us around. It was a really cute little house, across from a little park with beach access and just PERFECT for our needs! Fortunately, they accepted Ashley (our doggie) and within a couple hours we had our home away from home!!



So far we have found several local watering holes that we have been hanging out at. There is just something relaxing about hanging out at a tiki bar on the water. I love the atmosphere and the people have been really friendly too. One character we ran into is named Pete and he is in his late 70's I would guess. He's a funny old kook and from what the bartender says he's in everyday and always leaves a whole quarter tip...woohoo don't spend it all in one place ladies! While we were sitting next to him bellied up to the bar something strange caught my eye. His stomach looked like he had an alien trying to escape. In fact, I almost spit my beer out when I noticed a small furry head pop out of his shirt! Sure as shit the old guy had his small dog stuffed in his shirt! Says he doesn't go anywhere without him and since dogs aren't allowed in the bar he hides him in his shirt! I didn't want to burst his bubble but he's not doing a very good job of hiding the little guy. I mean he squirms all over the place and from what I can tell the waitresses and bartenders just turn a blind eye to it. I thought it was a hoot! We've actually met quite a few neat people down here so far, the only thing is most of them are in there 60's and 70's. Not exactly our age group but what the hell, good people are good people!



Signing off for now..but I'll try to do better with my blogging...I just know you are all on pins and needles waiting for my posts!!!

A busy week...

Boy what a week...a lot on my mind, on happenings in my own life, as well as thoughts about stories in the news. First let me get to the BEST news of the week...my dad's procedure was a HUGE SUCCESS! I truly believe that all of the prayers and positive energy that were sent to my dad and our family over this last week made a difference. I cannot thank you all enough. It was agonizing being so far away and waiting to hear news but thankfully our prayers were answered and dad was given some much needed good news. I know there are more hurdles ahead, but it just feels so good to actually get over one of them! The next great thing this week was that Joel and I went on a little road trip Thursday. Our plan was to drive up to Mt. Rainier and spend the day. A friend from high school, Scott Lewis, lives in or near Seattle so I asked him about what we should plan to do. I got online and researched the area and we made a plan to go to Longmire and Paradise within the Mt. Rainier National Park. Well, as with most well laid plans, things did not go exactly as we thought. I checked the road status report just like Scott said to, because some of the roads are closed due to debris from the winter months and other unsafe conditions. And although the park is open year round it can sometimes be quite tricky to get to where you want to be. Well, wouldn't you know that after our 2 1/2 hr. drive when we went to access the park the road that was said to be open online was, in fact, NOT open. We flagged down a worker and he said that if we wanted to drive around the Mountain that another entrance should probably be open. Hmmm...it was going to be another 100 miles to get there and then it would "probably" be open? We chose to turn back and just enjoy the Mountain from a bit of a distance and also the drive to the Mountain was unbelievably beautiful. It was really breathtaking! We got some great shots of Mt. Rainier and I played with our new Flip video, but honestly it doesn't really do it justice...guess I need a little more work with it. We drove up US 12 and went through the Wenatchee Forest and saw many beautiful sites along the way. They have Heritage Points along the route where you can stop and take in the scenery and learn more about the area. I never realized just how incredible the State of Washington is and I am really enjoying seeing parts of our Country I would have probably never gotten to if not for Joel's work. I had the misconception that Washington was a rainy, dreary place and that really couldn't be further from the truth. This State has a little of everything here...the Pacific Coastline, the Rivers, Forests, Mountains, Desert...if you can't find something you like here then you are a hard person to please. I am looking forward to seeing more sites when we make our journey home, and by the looks of things that could be in just a couple weeks.

Now moving on to the other happenings of the week.......

#1 Jon and Kate + 8 : O.K. these two make me crazy...who really gives a shit if Jon was out all night partying or even if he had an affair..quite honestly if I had to live with Kate I'd want to run away and find someone else that didn't complain about everything I did too. Kate is a perfect example of "watch what you wish for"....she wanted the fame and fortune and now she doesn't like what comes along with that. I heard Jon say that this all started because they wanted record and document the kids growing up. Hmmm...I think parents have been doing that for years WITHOUT a camera crew and TV show...it's called a video camera!!! (you know...home movies!) Oh and..BooHoo...she said about a million times how she had to plan the sextuplets 5 yr. old birthday party all ALONE....YEAH RIGHT!! I mean, Jon was noticeably absent from the planning process but if you are trying to get me to believe that she didn't have help, then I have some ocean property in Arizona I'd like to sell ya too. The whole show is just a train wreck,,, but I betcha Kate will go kicking and screaming before she gives up the show. Even if it is the best thing for her kids and her family. GREAT role model don't ya think....NOT!

#2 Kris Allen wins American Idol...I'll admit I was rooting for Adam Lambert but as many others have pointed out Adam is going to have many opportunities that Kris probably would not have gotten had he been the runner-up. and don't get me wrong..I like Kris. I think he has a great voice, I just don't happen to think he is the caliber of artist that Adam is. And yes, even I think that Adam doesn't have to prove to us with each song that he can really belt out those notes. It reminds me a little of Mariah Carey who ALWAYS seemed to have to hit that mind blowing note in each and every song she sang...ENOUGH ALREADY! Regardless of that though, I think Adam is gonna be just fine without American Idol steering his ship...probably better. I do wish the very best to Kris too...hopefully he will ride this ride into a great recording career. (Oh and just as a side note..the dude that has the room next to us is NOT going to be the next American Idol..I've been listening to him sing all morning and he really doesn't stand a chance...lol)

#3 Finally..here is a list of the people I would like to punch in the face this week:

Kate Gosselin (already covered this one)

Drew Peterson...someone really needs to pull the plug on this asshole

Don't know her name, but the chick that just faked her and her daughter's abduction , falsely accused 2 black men of the abduction, and then was found in a luxury hotel at Disney World....WTF?????

I could probably think of more but it's been a good week so I don't want to waste my time on more negativity!!! Think I'll go next door and help my neighbor put on a concert...LOL!!!

Peace Out!

#3